Archive for June 11th, 2012

The Perfect Candidate

I have only recently come to appreciate what an utterly perfect candidate Mitt Romney is for the Republican Party.

Born to riches, he acquired gobs more money over his lifetime, not by creating something that people needed, or performing some worthwhile service, but by using money to make money in ways that are mysterious to mere laymen. He was called a “vulture capitalist” and a “vampire capitalist” by his Republican adversaries (now allies). He ruthlessly exploited vulnerable companies with the sole goal of making more money.

Yet he combines this merciless venality with a squeaky clean, über Mormon lifestyle. And movie star presidential looks. And an apparent lack of core convictions.

Far from sharing the proverbial beer with Mitt, one cannot imagine sharing a cup of coffee with him. A piece of white bread and a glass of milk, maybe.

Somehow he seems the very incarnation of the GOP: bourgeois morality cloaking a single-minded greed. Throw in his obliviousness to the plight of the poor (he says he doesn’t worry about them, remember?) and to workers, his hostility to labor unions and his hawkishness on foreign policy and you have the very embodiment of the Republican Party.

Really, the Perfect Candidate. He would be the richest, whitest president ever, and that is saying something.

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Of calamine lotion.

I mentioned last week that, ignoring my bride’s advice to wear long sleeves and pants when I pulled the poison ivy from our yard, under the presumption of immunity, I had broken out with the rash on both arms and legs.

When I wrote that the rash consisted of mildly itchy pink splotches here and there. It proceed to get worse: think angry red torment. I discovered that poison ivy is like certain sins: the more you scratch the worse it itches. It is insatiable.

But it's such a pretty plant.

But it’s such a pretty plant.

A question for the hesachysts and Buddhists out there: how do you not scratch when it itches?

Then it got even worse: swelling, blistering, spreading, oozing, an evil invader in my very flesh.

Now that I’ve ruined your lunch…

I bought three different kinds of anti-itch cream, plus calamine lotion. Nothing gave more than mild and very temporary relief.

So I went online, where I found hundreds of folk remedies. I quickly eliminated the scary ones- gasoline, bleach, urine, pregnasone- and have come upon the following regimen: I shower, scrubbing the rash with a brush and soapy water,  towel dry, then douse my skin with rubbing alcohol. Yes, it is painful, but at least it is not an itch. Then, when that evaporates I apply calamine lotion.

This will give me some respite for a while. When that wears off, I repeat the process.

If anyone knows of anything better, I am all ears.

And I am acutely aware that all of this could have been avoided had I only heeded Michelle’s advice.

The next time she cautions me about something I am going to listen.

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